Sassy

Originally Published: 1994

Hanging With Mr.Cooper - Alice, That Is

ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE
Last year I went to a Grateful Dead concert. Yeah, we did a little pot. It was not a big deal...until a girl I knew from my hometown came over to talk to me. She handed me her pipe and we toked a little more. Recently I've decided that I want to forget about s--t like that. But I swear that bitch read my mind and decided to tell my backstabbing brother what we did. Now he is holding it over my head, and I want revenge. --Hateful Hemp

First of all, what were you doing at a Grateful Deadn concert? Anyway, there's got to be a way to strike a deal with your brother. He must have done something you can counter him with. If that fails, just start planning for the future. See, when I was a brother to my sister, if something like that happened, I'd say, "Look, don't tell Mom and Dad. Yet. For your own good. Because you can use it as a bargaining chip later, when you do something really stupid. Then we can balance it out. If not, say six months go by, and you don't say anything, I'll pay you 50 bucks." So it's a matter of negotiations; it's the art of the deal. And quit smoking that pot.

REJECTED RED
I'm a redhead with freckles, unfortunately. No guys seem to like me. What's the matter? Don't guys like redheads? Or is it against their religion? What should I do? --Confused

I think somebody's absolutely crazy to not like redheads with freckles. I used to tryn to find girls with red hair and freckles. I look at it this way: if things ever get boring, you can always play connect-the-dots.

METAL MOUTHS
Me and my friend both have braces, and so do our boyfriends. We want to kiss them, and we know they want to kiss us too, but we're afraid our braces will get locked. What are the chances of that happening to us? --Stuck

The first thing is, I'd recommend that you don't get together in a lightning storm, because you'll be fused together forever. Second, assuming you've determined that you really want the person, I think it might be an exciting proposition to be stuck to somebody with your braces, in which case I wouldn't worry about it too much. One final bit of advice: Make sure you don't have egg salad before you decide to make your move; it's really hard to get out of braces.

CLINT AND KATIE AND RON AND HEATHER
My best friend Heather and her boyfriend Ron are in a fight. Because of me and Clint (Ron's best friend). Ron says that Heather can't talk to other guys, and Ron said fine when Heather said that he couldn't talk to other girls. So of course Ron talked to me, and Heather saw, and she started talking with Clint. (Heather calls this flirting.) Heather got mad at me and said that the only way we could be friends is if I never talk to or even look at Ron. I can't do that! Help! --Katie

I think this behavior is awfully posessive for somebody so young. Anyone that posessive is not somebody you'd want to hang out with in the first place. Tell her to quit being so controlling. If that fails, you could always turn this story into a script and sell it to Guiding Light or General Hospital. It would fit right in.

MY, WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE
What are some compliments guys like getting? Do guys liken getting compliments? --Desperate for Help!

Yes, very much so. Guys are actually very disarmed by compliments. Girls don't know that, but guys are more taken by flattery than women are. If a girl flatters a guy the least bit, he's immediately attatched to her. It's because they're so insecure. One thing guys like to hear is that they're funny, or more fun to be with than other guys. They don't necessarily need to be considered handsome. I dont think physical things in general are as important as personality-related things. In fact, they might be embarrased by being compimented over physical things, like "You have such big arms, or big muscles, or a big chest...".

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
Does a guy get pleasure from feeling a girl up (or down, for that matter), or is it strictly for my entertainment? --Sitting up late at night, pondering

How embarrasing. You're talking about your face, right? I can't imagine what else. Judging from when I was a kid, it's all curiosity, and I think that it's like a biology experiment, something you do for extracurricular grades. Look, it's been going on for the last six thousand years. What's really important is that you don't do anything that's going to cause consequences, especially pregnancy. Outside of that, I think it's pretty much a mutual thing.

SEE-FOOD DIET
If you were out on a date with a girl and she laughed and some food fell out of her mouth, would you get grossed out? --Love, Spinach Teeth

Non. In fact, I look for that. That's how I used to judge if a girl was fun, if food fell out of her mouth. Then I'd say, "All right!". That's why I married my wife. She just couldn't keep any food in her mouth.. It'd just, like, come out of her ears and her nose, and I find that very attractive.

THE WHISTLE THAT ONLY DOGS HEAR?
I'm 14 years old, and I can't get a boyfriend because most of my friends are boys.. The problem is, they dont think of me as a girl; they think of me as one of the guys. How can I change their minds? --Bernice

I think there'll be a definite chemical change and you won't be mistaken for one of the guys-- unless you actually are one of the guys. At this point, I have to ask if you watch a lot of Judy Garland movies, because that's a sure sign.