Originally Published: January 1974

Milking the Nozzle of Love

....Which brings us to Alice, of course. Everybody knew what big business he'd turned into, and it was only a matter of time till somebody whipped themselves onto figuring out how to milk the Alice tidal wave. Billion Dollar Babies featured bubblegum cards sans the stuff to chew on, and even it that's next there's already talk of an Alice-owned nitespot in New York, and a whole line of Alice Whiplash cosmetics.

In the meantime, we'll just have to satisfy ourselves with the mysterious glop crammed into the can depicted here. We're not sure if it's meant to clean the air, snuff little flying things, stop up your pits or remove paint, but it says "spray-on-fun" and that's enough for us. Just apply a healthy spurt to your private parts and see what happens. Maybe you'll grow a snake, or your tushie will begin to hum "I Love the Dead." If it causes your wick or your koozle to dry up and drop off, you can always sue the makers for untruth in packaging while pondering whether a liberal application of this same fungaid set Alice or maybe David Johansen on the road to stardom.

But don't get carried away and OD on it; you never know what further market milestones tomorrrows gonna bring....